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to paraphrase a small segment of some tolkien documentary i was watching the other day when i was ill (and in some ways, soren kierkegaard, although i have hardly read enough of his material to have any fucking clue what he was ever talking about [but i think it had something to do with this])...
despair is the greatest sin. despair is to give up in the face of hopelessness, whatever form it may take. sure, we're not starving in some third world country...we have family and friends who love us...we have food in our bodies and warmth in our blood...we have plenty of unnecessary comforts and tools for our leisure...we have education and knowledge...we have humility and acceptance and respect...
...but we are unhappy. and we are (sometimes) hopeless, or at least i am. i don't mean hopeless in some angsty melodramatic overblown nihilistic sense. i have found my thoughts, however, to be a very self-defeating bag of tools. the more time i spend alone, the more time i spend thinking about my motivations and goals and aspirations, and how fucking non-existent they are. what else am i here to do? what are any of us here to do? why do friends move away and become strangers (geographically or otherwise), and why do relationships become complicated, and why do i get tired of every single thing that i enjoy, to the point where the only thing that really brings me peace these days is when i lay down to bed and allow myself to stop thinking and become enveloped in whatever sonic delicatessen i have chosen to fall asleep to that night? i am not "hopeless," but i am without hope.
but i will not despair. i will keep living. i will always continue living, because i know not what God has planned in my life. to despair is the greatest sin; to accept the notion that i know my future and that it holds nothing of value. no one knows the future. i may be slightly hopeless, and i may be flawed, and i may not be trying as damned hard as i was when i was younger and more naive and full of zest for life. but...
i will not fucking despair.
amen.
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happy/sad/alive.
EDIT: i need a good day. looks like i'll have to make it myself.
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happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy?
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a trip to the mall today got me thinking,
as i saw everyone so focused on buying overpriced horseshit
so they could improve their facades...
i'm not depressed...
(i think)
but sometimes, i just don't know.
"there are times when i look at people and i see nothing worth liking."
once again, i find myself in one of these stages
where i feel as though i love no one...
and then i realize that i love myself...
and then i hate myself for loving myself...
which, to be quite honest, doesn't really make any sense at all.
and when i do see things worth liking in others...
i don't love them.
i love their characteristics that i find refreshing.
but i don't love them.
i've never loved them.
i don't love.
but perhaps i don't need to see anything in people worth liking,
perhaps all there is to it,
is loving people for the mere fact that
they are people
and they are looking for something not so different from what i seek.
and they are ugly,
and they are selfish,
and they are pitiful.
but i am ugly
selfish
pitiful.
and sometimes i look at myself and i see nothing worth loving.
and i'm just sitting here, covered in my own shit,
and filled with malice toward my fellow man...
but there are still those who embrace me.
i don't know. i'll never know. i'll just go to sleep and forget about all of this in the morning.
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i want to be alone, but never lonely.
when we're lonely, we do the most horrible things.
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