ToothandNail04's Xanga

an autobiography of sorts

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:47:19 GMT

happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy sad happy?

a sad display as the machine disassembles itself

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:50:52 GMT

a trip to the mall today got me thinking,
as i saw everyone so focused on buying overpriced horseshit
so they could improve their facades...
i'm not depressed...
(i think)
but sometimes, i just don't know.
"there are times when i look at people and i see nothing worth liking."
once again, i find myself in one of these stages
where i feel as though i love no one...
and then i realize that i love myself...
and then i hate myself for loving myself...
which, to be quite honest, doesn't really make any sense at all.
and when i do see things worth liking in others...
i don't love them.
i love their characteristics that i find refreshing.
but i don't love them.
i've never loved them.
i don't love.

but perhaps i don't need to see anything in people worth liking,
perhaps all there is to it,
is loving people for the mere fact that
they are people
and they are looking for something not so different from what i seek.
and they are ugly,
and they are selfish,
and they are pitiful.
but i am ugly
selfish
pitiful.
and sometimes i look at myself and i see nothing worth loving.
and i'm just sitting here, covered in my own shit,
and filled with malice toward my fellow man...
but there are still those who embrace me.

i don't know. i'll never know. i'll just go to sleep and forget about all of this in the morning.

loneliness is the root of all evil pt. II

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:20:22 GMT

i want to be alone, but never lonely.
when we're lonely, we do the most horrible things.

depression sets in//loneliness is the root of all evil

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 02:59:32 GMT

i'm counting up the times a day when i can feel alive
at dusk, when i drift off to sleep, and morning, when i rise
my eight remaining fingers shall remain in folded straits
to represent the hours my soul spends in lifeless states.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:09:42 GMT

there is an ocean of doubt that i intend to cross
but my sails are all torn; my deck, covered in moss
and despite all my fears of what i leave for loss...

i will patiently wait.
i will slowly rebuild.

and soon...
(soon being a loosely ambiguous word, in this case)

i will sail in my vessel when the weather is fair
and set foot on the far coast to meet with you there.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:37:52 GMT

am i wrong, or does everybody just want to fuck?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 03:25:07 GMT

The air is getting colder and the fair will soon be in town. The setting is the same, but so much has changed since that night when, awkwardly walking her to the door, she leaned in and kissed me; she caught me by surprise. I don't really talk to her anymore. I don't appreciate the person she has become; even more so, I don't appreciate the person I have become. Perhaps the two are connected.

Perhaps everything I've come to dislike about her is what I dislike in me. It makes enough sense; every time I complain of her overbearing personality, her attempts to appear intellectual for the sake of vanity, her facade of forgiveness while she actually bites her tongue, ignoring the problems until there is blood in her mouth...all of these flaws, I see in myself. Everything I hate about anyone, I see in myself. Goddammit, what have I become? Or perhaps I have always been...

It doesn't matter. Enough of this bullshit; it doesn't matter why I am this way, how long I have been this way, whether I was once a good person and something went awry with the wiring inside my head, or perhaps I've just always been the same selfish fucker I know today. I am tired of being disgusted with the actions of others, only to find them in myself. I am tired of proclaiming humanity as inherently selfish and evil, only to find myself fulfilling my proclamation. I am tired of these crutches of self-loathing. I have been stumbling along with them for so long and yet I am still not ready to stand on my own. Fuck these goddamn excuses.

Everything I hate about anyone, I see in myself. Perhaps, then...once I forgive myself for these faults, these things that remind me how fucking human I am, and do my best to allow God (whoever he is) to eradicate them, perhaps I will find peace. Perhaps I will no longer hate my brothers. Perhaps I will be free.

Or perhaps this is all hopeful rhetoric and I'll die the same selfish son-of-a-bitch I always was.

It won't hurt to try, though.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:49:23 GMT

goodbye.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:16:54 GMT

i feel like my friends are becoming much fewer in number.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 02:27:11 GMT

life is so bland and tasteless right now, like water, only less refreshing.